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May 27th, 2012
05:16 pm - studying is meh.
i am so reluctant to study for my MSTs, i've never felt so strongly about this before. Senior year is supposed to be the toughest and the most crucial but despite the mountain of reports waiting to be churned out by the monster-report-making-machine people think i am, i just feel uncontrollably and incredibly lazy about everything. So what if i study harder for this semester? So what if i get a 4.0 GPA now? I have ONE more semester (my last sem in poly is an internship prog which apparently does not count in the GPA) to pull up my 3.2 and just by doing simple math you'd know it's never gonna get me anywhere in Singapore. So why should i try at all?
My perseverance is diminishing and my reluctance to do anything useful at all is becoming increasingly evident in my sloppy work. A part of me has surrendered and given in to the truth, i'm overseas-education-bound after graduation. I should be happy, after all, i've started loathing Singapore's education system for a while now. But i'm also terribly reluctant to leave this place, even for 3 years. I don't want to leave my mom, i don't want to leave my friends, i don't want to leave my home and i can probably study the same UOL course in SIM right?
And even if i leave, where do i go? I used to be adamant about going to London. I will go on long walks at Hyde Park, read a book under a tree, have picnics with friends. I'll also watch theatre shows every Saturday and on alternate Sundays i'll visit the museums. During my term breaks, i'll take the euro express to Paris and visit the Louvre until i've visited every room & memorized every nook. Or maybe when dad goes to Brussels for a convention, i'll take the express to meet him. We'll have dinner at Piccolo and talk about Singapore & everyone else. Mom says i'll enjoy my time there, i might now even want to come back. I don't know about that but i know i'm gonna miss my family, and life here.
I'm in a dilemma and my mind is struggling to make a decision. You might say, dude, it's not until another year, quit worrying. And i will argue, because 365 days is not enough to make a decision for the following 1,095 days.
*Sigh* I'll just put it off temporarily and hopefully this topic never comes up until November (unofficial end of poly life).
*Sigh* Now I have to return to hitting the books.
Oh, and one more week till my TP. Wish me luck.
xo
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May 19th, 2012
02:27 am - yay weekends.
TGIF again and all i have to do is pull through ONE more week of school then i'm free for 3 weeks (not betting on that though, FYP sucks). Although my weekends are nothing less than hectic (which i hate because i luv being a couch potato), i really need it so badly, to get the full 8 hours of rest, to be able to have a full meal without having to be reminded about datelines. The other day i was telling Jodi and co. how i cannot possibly survive another year in Singapore's education because i'm just THAT lazy and they didn't argue. I'm still that reluctant student in Faith 4/3'09 who refuses to do anything more than trim Mun Hong's fingernails for him. I constantly remind Lydia to savor every moment she has with her classmates (whom she so very often take for granted), and i'm so bloody jealous. I'm so incredibly filled with envy. She has all those beautiful memories that await her and has really nothing to worry about other than her "meagre" $3 lunch money she gets every day (i got $2 when i was sec 4).
Then i, being the very confused person that i am, realized that i've been so lucky to have gone to GM and to be able to meet all these wonderful people and receive all their love. Whenever i think of school, it's GM and all the '09 grad kids in my mind. I don't see how i can ever create memories of that calibre ever again, so i'm going to store these memories in a special place. One day when the going gets tough (getting there soon.....), i'll dig them out and marvel at the beauty of those 4 years of my life, and i know i'll feel better. But that's it. Those 4 years have been over a long time ago and very soon *even* my poly life (which has not exactly been the most enjoyable) is going to end. And i can't take a minute longer in Singapore's education system. It is not that it's entirely screwed up but it's failing. There's no point in digging up articles on it, anyone who has been in the system would have something negative to say except for the PRCs (the only problem they have is the Singaporean students). Irony much, because they're one of the reasons SG's ed system is bull.
So, i want out. I don't know how many times i've mentioned this but i want out. I want to enjoy education, i want to bask in knowledge freely and in comfort. I want to like my modules, i want to like going to school. So, I want out, because if i spent another year wandering aimlessly in this system with scheming douchebags plotting my epic failure, Singapore might just become an entirely repulsive place to be in.
And also i would like to put *him* in my pocket because.........i think he's luv.
xo
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May 15th, 2012
11:39 pm - what is this.
I've been so busy recently. The rate at which my projects are coming in.....i really need the June holidays....
Anyway.......
I wish I had you. I wish you could be here with me, to tell me something random you've read in your books, or something about the euro zone crisis. Something to take my mind off things. You are spectacular. You are brimming with knowledge. Your arms look like a very comfortable place to sink my awkward body in. You have unconsciously charmed me with your words. Yet, you are the awkward boy who refuses to respond to me. And this happens all the time, because i'm me, I'm the girl who always falls desperately in love with a boy who will never reciprocate half of my feelings. I know this, and i begin to doubt my mother's words that beauty is beneath the skin. I'm not pretty and i'm constantly embarrassed that at 19, i still look like a 15 year old with cheeks of a 3 year old. And at 19, i've almost never been with someone for real. (Ok plz don't mention those embarrassing times, 2 weeks does not count for a proper relationship) I need to stop my humanly emotions because the more people you love, the weaker you become.
Let me fall. Let me fall on granite, let me fall on ice. Let me bruise my legs. Let me graze my arms. But don't let me fall in love.
xo
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May 7th, 2012
10:50 pm - It's not my pride this time.
My bestfriend:
Everyone's got it wrong. I'm not valuing my pride over our friendship. I'm just terribly afraid how one day you'll not recognize me any more. I don't have much time left in Singapore. Come next year, after graduation, I'm going away. I don't know where i'll go, i don't know how long i'll be away for but i know, in a year's time, everything i know will change. I won't be here, in my room, lying on my couch and waiting for your inconsistent replies. I'll be on an entirely different continent (probably), i'll be a 13 hour plane ride away from you.
I'm so afraid that the distance between us will continue to grow as it has grown so large just within the past 2 years. I need assurance that when i come back, you'll still be here. I want to know that you need me as much as i need you.
I wish you would talk to me about your troubles because somehow your troubles always manage to outweigh mine.
We're too far apart now i ask myself whether i should just let it be, after all, i'll just have one less painful goodbye.
xo
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May 2nd, 2012
08:05 pm - I need some ups.
Today was a bad day. Here are the....shit of the day:- Forced to skip lunch because i had to rush to my driving class
- Driving class was a major flop in the ass because i pissed the very good tempered Alvin (my instructor) off.
- I had no money in my EZ link card or coins in my purse to go home
- I'm still sick after a week
- After years of explanation, Calvin still doesn't understand why i can get so pissed at him. **
I just want to sleep this all off. x
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